.: Flashback : Soya Bean :.

There are some childhood memory that I vividly remember - down to the very last detail. It's like a snapchat of that moment (be it 5 secs or 5 mins) and I recall the sight, sounds, almost as if I am there at that moment all over again.

This memory is one of them.

When I was younger, we had a pasar malam right opposite our housing estate. 

Just need to cross a two-lanes "highway" (mind you, this was pre-LDP days) and we are there.

It's a weekly affair for our family - me, bro and my parents would often pop by.

My dad loves his soya bean and the occasional tau fu fah. He would often drop by the soya bean seller, and order a cup of soya bean or a bowl of warm tau fu fah in a red-and-white acrylic bowl, consumed on the spot, while standing up. 

I often tagged along with my dad (as my mom wonders off somewhere else). And when he gets his order, he would of course share that with me. 

My dad is a very tall man, probably taller than 6 foot. At that time, I was around five or six, so prolly half that height.

So back to this particular incident.

I was standing there, distracted by something else, and then without looking, I just tugged my dad's shirt (an indication that I want a scoop or a sip of his order). When I looked all the way up, obviously expecting my dad to hand me a scoop, to my horror, that wasn't my dad looking back at me. I tugged the wrong man's shirt! I was mortified, obviously. 

And my vivid memory stops there, and the rest is all a blur.

Lesson learn : 

Not every man is my daddy.
But my daddy is my every man! 

.: Daddy's Little Girl :.

When you have always treated me as your equal - sharing an equal half of the last piece with me.

But with daddy, it's different - coz he gives me the whole of that last piece. 

And that's how I know that it's a different sort of love; and that I'll always be daddy's little girl.

 

.: Flashback : Mind Your Bearings :.

“Mind your bearing” my Form 3 Geography teacher scribbled on my exercise book.

Something about directions and co-ordinates.

Well. It figures doesn’t it when I have phone conversations like this with my dad (more often than not)

Me : Daddy, daddy. I think I am lost. They diverted the traffic from my usual route.

Dad : Ok, where are you now?

Me : I don’t know. I was gonna turn into Jalan Ismail from Jalan Ampang and they (the traffic police) didn’t allow me to turn. So I had to go straight. Then I think I turned left somewhere.

Dad : Ok, where exactly are you now?

Me : I don’t know! *getting irritated*

Dad : Ok, describe to me what’s on your left or right.

Me : Buildings!

Dad : What type of building? Wisma what? Menara what?

Me : I don’t know! I see a building under construction!

Dad : That doesn’t narrow anything down. Can you see if there’s any road sign that says PJ?

Me : No, nothing!

And the conversation went on and on between me trying to describe where I am and my dad trying to guess where I am and bail me out by giving me directions. Failed.

Me : Nevermind, I will figure it out!

Tut. Tut. Tut.

According to the husband, my dad is a saint when it comes to that. If I had called the husband instead, it will be a screaming match on his part (he has zero patience) and my end as well (coz I have zero tolerance for people screaming at me).

So there you go. Me and my bearings! :)

.: My Best Friend's Wedding :.

So the cousin and I were chatting about wedding stuff when she asked “What does the maid of honour actually does?”

So I listed out some stuff and the added “You know, just like Jules in My Best Friend’s Wedding!”

To which she replied, in my horror “I haven’t watched that movie before."

“What? How can you not watch the most epic movie of our time.”

“You’re time maybe, but not mine. I was prolly in diapers then.”

Right. Touche. Thanks a whole lot for making me feel old.

But it makes me wanna watch that movie again. Tonight maybe!

.: Tax Season :.

My cousin who submitted her income tax form for the first time, was absolutely mortified that she filled it incorrectly (no she didn’t understate her income, she completely did not declare it at all!)

She : What’s the worse that could happen to me?
She: Do you know? Haha
Me : Jail.
Me : Prison mate with Anwar.
Me : Do the whole prison break thingy
She : [annoyed emoji]
Me : Or orange is the new black stuff
She : You don’t know how much I am freaking out here
Me : Hahahahahaha. I’ll promise to write
She : Best cousin ever.
She : [trophy emoji]

Yes. I am the BEST. COUSIN. EVER!

I did redo her income tax form for her. So Tam, you owe me one get-out-of-jail card. Quite literally! :)

.: Needles :.

A couple of days ago, I took my flu jab at work.

It brought me back to the time where I had to take jabs for multiple vaccinations. I fear the needles. Like big time. And I always never took the ones they had in school, rather, I had my family doctor do them for me. And I always have held the hand of my dad as I close my eyes and try not to think about it. That was decades ago. But I remembered that as the nurse gave me my flu shot. I teared. Not from the jab, but from the memories it brought.

I miss my dad so much. And everyone back home. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be less homesick? Or does it really get worse?

.: Flowers To You :.

I love receiving flowers, tho I rarely get them these days as I used to in the past (here & here) *big hint to The Husband*

Today is my mom's birthday, and even tho we have had an early birthday celebration during my short visit back KL a couple of weeks ago, I thought I should surprise her with a nice bouquet of flowers. I placed my order with HappyBunch last night, and they delivered it to her doorstep just earlier today.

She was exceptionally pleased, send pics to us on our wider whatsapps group (my maternal aunties, uncles & cousins group), to our immediate family group (the six of us) and also to me personally.

She modeled it on the table, on the floor, in a vase - everywhere!

I am glad that she is happy to have received such a small gift that really made her day.

Once, The Husband told me that every year, his dad would faithfully go to his late-mom's grave and bring her red roses, coz his mom loved red roses. So I asked The Husband "Did you dad buy flowers for you mom when she's alive?"."Never" he replied. And I think that is quite sad. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful gesture what his dad did there, but it would have been much better if he did all those while he is alive?

I learn from there that is is truly more meaningful to do certain things - like giving flowers, when one is alive.

The other is of giving eulogy - which is why I am so glad that during my late grandma's 80th birthday, we all made a video for her from all of us telling her what we love about here, what we remember her most by, what is our favorite food that she's made, etc. Everytime I think of her, I think of that day where we showed her that video and hope that she passed away knowing how much we love her.

.: Flashback : Toothbrushes :.

On my recent trip back to Malaysia, I dropped by my hometown in Klebang (Malacca).

It has never been quite the same since the passing of my late grandpa almost a decade back.

And now, with the passing of my late grandma, things have changed even more.

As I step into the house, no longer greeted by the hyperactive Benji (which I call him) or Bingo (which my grandad named him), who passed away due to old age a year or two back.

I was no longer greeted by my petite grandma, with her warm hugs and even warmer smile.

The house, with its lack of occupant, feels so empty and cold, in contrast to the memories that I have of that place - which is warm and familiar. It's true what they say, a home is only a house without your loved ones in it.

I looked at the ceiling-high glass cabinet, which my grandpa so proudly display his wedding photos and that of his children, together with his collectibles and paraphernalia.

As I walked up the stairs, I looked at the floor carpet that we will usually roll out during special occasions like CNY (tho I did saw it in some photos during my mom night-before-wedding ceremony, which means that carpet is older than me!).

I walked into Kung Kung room, and look at the black and white photo of him when he was younger - before he married my Poh Poh.

Then, when I walked into the upstairs bathroom, I choked holding back my tears when I saw this.

Strange how one (free) cup can stir so much emotions in me. This cup for the longest time I could remember, has held many, many toothbrushes. When we used to have events back in Malacca, those who are not local will stay over at Klebang, which could be as many as 15 of us. And everytime we leave, this cup will have more toothbrushes than it did before we arrive. And everyone will deny it's theirs the next time we are back (again, bringing toothbrushes that will also be left behind again).

Now with both my grandparents gone, I know that the gatherings we used to have will be less frequent. And there may come a time, where it will completely stop altogether, especially when this house is sold.

I wish there is a way to preserve this. Preserve this home. Preserve this tradition.

To turn back time and savor every moment all over again.

.: Saying Goodbye :.

I wish it's true what some has told me, that it will eventually get easier with time. But having done this for the third time in slightly less than two years, it really doesn't. If anything, it gets harder and harder each time. 

I wish that it's all about looking forward to the day we will meet again. Instead I count in misery of the hours and miles we are are apart. And though human have boasted on how far advance we have come along with modern communication technology to keep us connected, it doesn't replace hugs or scents or just being next to you.

Anyways, this is the price I need to pay to be here.

Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth the trade-off?

I guess only time will tell. But till then, just wanna let you know that I miss you so very much my dear family.

Til we reunite again.

.: Flashback : Mom :.

I had a major back surgery mid last year.

And even though I tried to convince my mom that she need not fly down, she did. And am I glad she did.

She helped me so much while I was healing, so much that she was like taking care of a toddler all over again (minus the cuteness of a toddler). She had to help me get in and out of bed. She had to help me wear my socks and shoes, She cleaned the house. She did the grocery shopping. Cooked my meals. Pleaded to and cried with me when I told her I just couldn't eat (I lost appetite for almost three weeks, causing me to lose a couple of kilos).

One day, I just couldn't take it anymore and cried my heart out in the shower. My mom has done so much for me as a child, and now, at almost thirty, she still does all that for me.

I vowed that when the time comes, and if I have to make that difficult decision to drop everything to go back and take care of her, I will.

Thank you Mi for everything.

.: Family :.

The one thing I miss most about being in a foreign country is my family.

I have had been really really close to my family for as long as I can remember. Birthdays are only celebrated with them, not even close friends. I am also exceptionally close to my maternal cousins, and up to this time and age, we are still keeping in touch with each other and meeting up ever so often.

I "left them" and moved here, and there are times when I miss them so bad - even with modern technologies of communication. There's nothing like a meeting up for a good ol' chat over coffee. But on the other hand, I am also glad to have "gained" a new family here. The husband's uncle and aunt has been exceptionally hospitable, housing myself for the first two weeks I was here. Even until now, we drop by ever so often to their place on weekends - and aunties, being aunties - would cook up a tray of delicacies that I just love! Lo mai kai. Char keoy teow (charcoal mind you, so there's that 'wok' taste). Hong tau chou. Man chi keok. Kai fun. Laksa. Roti canai. Oh my, I think I have more Malaysian food here in Sydney than I did back in KL!

We had a great time celebrating her nephew's boy's 4th birthday (or was it 5th?). We had fun with water balloons and water guns - I tell you, the adults were more excited than the two kids!

Uncle and aunty has helped us alot in settling in. And I truly thank God for that.

.: Untitled :.

Currently listening to Gabrielle - Out Of Reach

Hello world! Yes, I am finally back from the long hiatus.

It's been quite a journey for me this past few months.

Left behind my family, friends, job, home and everything else that I grew up being so familiar with - packed what I could fit into a 30kg luggage and flew across the Indian Ocean (or Pacific Ocean - pardon my lack of knowledge when it comes to geography) out of my comfort zone, to this new place.

Started a new job. Stayed in a new place. Experiencing the new weather, the new culture and everything new. Trying to make new friends, whilst keeping in touch with old friends who are now based here.

It's been quite a journey, and I must admit it wasn't as easy for someone who have never left the comfort of home. 

Currently listening to Eric Clapton - Blue Eyes Blue

Having said that, I have been very blessed to have had some pathways made easy - and for that I am absolutely thankful. I have had secured a job, I had found a good place to rent, have had the support of family based here, have made good new friends, and much more.

I have absolute joy in experiencing fun things to do - the weekly farmers market, the beautiful park nearby my workplace, the lovely beach, and so much more.

Having said that, I very much miss everything and everyone back home, and sometimes I feel sad thinking about the people and things I leave behind, but thankfully it's mitigated by technology! I could skype with grandma and hear her say "chiak pah beh?" which means have I eaten.

Currently listening to Al Green - How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

Today's one of the days where I'm beginning to feel a little down. A mixture of being homesickness - missing the friends and family back home, husband being away, a bad case of gastric, the general melancholy feel (hence the selection of songs that I'm listening to). But I am not going to dwell on that - and share all the ups that I have had last week.

The weekend started well with a dinner date with a ex-highschool mate. We had (or at least I had on my part) so much fun - catching up on anything and everything under the sun.

There was (wait, select another emo song on Youtube)....

Currently playing Faith Hill - Let Me Let Go

... there was this part where we had conversations about getting his parent's PR and one thing led to another, and to cut a really long story short - I said "Perhaps your sister (who is about 18 years old now), will marry someone and gain a PR here."

"No." he said. "She too young, it will take at least another five years or more."

"Who knows?" I said. "She might find her true love soon and the get married."

He gave a bemused smirk. "What? What are you smirking at?" I asked.

Currently playing Mandy Moore - Someday We'll Know

"TRUE LOVE" he said, and started laughing. I joined him laughing, shook my head and asked him since when we have all be so cynical about true love.

There was more to the conversation after that, but I still smile when I replay this conversation in my head. As we get older, do we really become so cynical? Or is it just what it is - that TRUE love is a myth?

If I can just ask God just one question - why aren't  you hear with me?

Sorry, singing to the chorus of the song. Perks of being alone - sing my heart out (without disturbing the neighbors I hope). Gonna replay this song again, I love Mandy's vocals.

I was watching this movie "Kate and Leopold" on Saturday night, and I shared with my crazy bunch of friends on whatsapp this quote from the movie, which also coincidentally related to - LOVE.

Maybe that whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus; just a myth we've been fed since childhood. So, we keep buying magazines, joining clubs, and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages all in a pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney.

Then one conversation led to another, and then we had this really, really hot, steamy, X-rated conversations. It was so so so dirty that I just had to say this to them

"You guys, as we get older, we get dirtier. One day we'll end up being dirty old woman. Crap, I thought we will be sophisticated old ladies, drinking tea with pinky fingers sticking out and having scones."

To which the best respond to that was "We are sophisticated, just with sexy imagination!"

I love my crazy, horny bunch of friends. It's good to know that there are some things that never change! :) And that's why I miss them so much, coz no matter how good my new friends can be here, I can never take our conversations to the level that I take with this bunch of girls!

Currently listening to A Great Big World & Christina - Say Something

I can't believe I am going to be thirty next year. I always thought that when I reach the big 3-0, I would have know what I want to do with my life. Or at least have achieved something - whatever it may be. I still feel so inadequate at times.

And I..... will swallow my pride, you're the one that I love.... and I'm saying goodbye..

Currently listening to The Corrs - One Night

But for one night, it was so right, that I gave you my heart, my love, my heart. Just for one night, my body, my soul. Just for one night, my love, my love. For one night, one night, one night.

Currently listening to One Republic - Stop and Stare

Looks like I have nothing much else to type. And my stomach is still a little restless - I don't know why there's so much acidic activities going on. Hopefully it will be all better tomorrow.

Til we meet again, dear ol' faithful blog.

xoxo

Kathlynn

.: Escape From The Dungeon :.

Had a wonderful weekend with the cousins and brother in a game Escape Room. It was mind boggling and challenging, and the fact that we lost (boo-hoo) was sort of like a taunt to come back and try again.

In the words of Arnie "We will be back!"

.: Fair And Equal :.

What's fair isn't necessarily equal, and what's equal isn't necessarily fair.

But something I wonder what happens when fair isn't fair because it isn't equal. Something I'm just trying to comprehend of late.

Food for thoughts?

.: G6 Plus 2 :.

So, the cousins will meet again this weekend. This time at Bukit Tinggi over a hearty BBQ.

Looking forward to that!

.: Battle To Lose :.

I came across a Lipstiq.com article the other day, that tug a string across my little heart. The topic written by the author is something close to home; being fat. However, unlike the author who claims to be fat but perfectly happier, my story is of a different light.

I was and have been on a chubby side for as long as I remember. When I was younger, back in primary school; I was constantly being teased by my schoolmates of my weight.

“When you walk, you wobble like a penguin!” exclaimed one girl.

“You’re so fat; you’d surely be last in a race” laughed a boy in my class.

Back then, I didn’t really care. Yeah, so I was fat, but you talk funny, I replied back to the girl. “I may be last, but you run like a girl!” I tauntingly replied the boy, sticking my tongue out.

I truly didn’t care, the words that they say didn’t hurt me one bit. Not even when my mom, who gives the disapproving glance as I reach for the third, fourth, maybe even fifth slice of pizza. Hey, I was a growing kid, I remembered saying. Its baby fat, she will lose it when she grows up, a few relatives or friends would console my mom whenever she complained of my weight.

In between stuffing cookies into my mouth, I would nod in agreement. I did think that I would turn, one day from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan.

Life was beautiful or - la vita le belle as they call it - for me. That was until I hit puberty back in secondary school; and before I know it, everything has changed for me.

I became more self-conscious of my own body image, and while many of my friends are dealing with their own insecurities of body weight; none has as huge of a problem (pun intended) as I did. While they are constantly complaining and saying out loud that they are fat and need to lose weight; when they barely have an inch of blubber on them; I remain quiet as I look disappointingly at myself.

The slight saving grace was then when puberty hit, my height accelerated, so that was when I was at my slimmest. But being still pudgy and all; it really didn’t matter as I hated my body and myself more than I ever did when I was at my roundest.

That period of my life has been the darkest ever. On one hand, I put on a brave, happy face when I am around people; but when I am alone, in the comfort of my own room, I turn into my own biggest critic. I have this constant, nagging feeling that I am not good enough or worthy enough and no matter how hard I tried, I am still not happy with whatever I have achieved. From weight-issues it developed into self-worthy issues. It got so bad that I had such horrible, dark thoughts of my ownself. I said and did things to myself that was harmful, not only physically, but physiology as well.

It really didn’t help that my very own mom, whom I thought was supposed to have loved me for who I am, went against me and with my alter-ego dark self. I had no one to turn to and often had to deal it on my own. I am sure that she meant well and only wanted to encourage me to lose weight, but I took it very negatively and hated myself more than ever.

Of course I have tried, but without much permanent success to lose weight. The exercises and the diets showed short term effects, but the weight crept back when I revert to my old ways.

I have since then, and even until today, been carrying the physiological scars of being overweight. Although it’s a vast improvement of where I have come from, there’s still a long journey ahead for self-love. I don’t longer hate myself or am disgusted with my body anymore, but I have yet to learn to love myself and my image.

As much as I envy the thin and healthy; I equally envy those who are not up to society’s standard of ideal bodyweight, but they are comfortable with their own skin. They ooze confidences and don’t shy away from wearing great outfits, while I tend to shy away from clothes that reveals my flabby arms or bodycons that reveals my curves-of-the-wrong-places.

You might say that I am blessed to have married a man who loves me for who I am, inside and out.

You may also say that I am blessed to be surrounded by so much love and care from friends and family alike, whom, in spite of not knowing my inner struggles, becomes my pillar of support and strength.

One might even say that I am blessed to have a great job and a cozy place I’d call home; and that I should focus on all the things that I have achieved rather than dwell in my shortcomings.

I honestly wish I could, even to this moment, when I reflect back, I really, really wish I could. I do not strive to achieve perfection, but I just want to be strive to be a better version of me now (version 2.0, if I must say so); be it relationship-wise, career-wise even physical-wise.

Whatever it is, I hope that I will reach a stage where I can honestly look at myself and love what I see. But until that day come, I will continue this little struggle to shut the little negative voice in my head.

.: March :.

It’s been a crazy Feb month – the month indeed went as fast as it came.

It’s already in the first week of March ; close to about 20% into the year.

I felt like Christmas was last week, New Year was over the weekend, and Chinese New Year was just yesterday. I have barely put down my Christmas décor, put up my CNYs, and now, I have to take them all down again (including the Christmas tree which is holding my CNYs decors).

There’s just so much to ramble, but maybe I shall do it some other day through some other avenue.

Am looking forward to the family vacation with the cousins to Maxwell Hill in two weeks time.

Am also excited over the Bangkok trip with my ex-highschool friends.

And am even more to celebrate my Tigger’s joyous day come Nov! She has trustingly asked me to be her emcee for her wedding dinner, which I reluctantly agreed. My reservations come not from the fact that I don’t want to do it, but it’s coz I don’t believe I could do a good job. I am not sure if I will be a good emcee, but if she & her fiancée have such strong faith in me, perhaps I should too of myself. Anyways, I gave her the option to replace me should she find herself a better one, but if I have to do it, I promise to put in my best-est effort for my best-est friend! :) *finger’s cross that I don’t trip on stage or accidentally curse*

There’s plenty I want to do. And as always, there’s so little time. The time ticks the minutes, days, and years away. I just feel that the someone has to relook into the law of the universe. Somehow, the older I get, the faster that time passes by, so fast and so much so that 24 hours to me 10 years ago is different from the 24 hours now. It's some sort of conspiracy I tell you.

Anyways, that's all for this Friday rambles.

Have a great weekend y'all! :)

.: Foolin' Around :.

The cousins, the brother and I fooling around after our mini project.

It's gonna be an awesome weekend two weeks from now! :)

Yup, my hair is finally short! About 12 inches snipped away! :)

.: Recap :.

I've noticed that I've been blogging less and less of late. From a regular stream of approximately 15ish to 20ish blogpost a month, reduced to a shameful single digit.

Again, it's not that I do not have the time, but the juggle between work and other leisures means that some things that I love to do have to take the backseat, for the time being that it.

I have also put my baking completely on-hold, as I focus more on whipping up new Chinese dishes. I am proud to say that I have successfully emulated Lemon Chicken, Marmite Chicken & Taw Yew Bak (Soya Sauce Pork) with part help from googled recipe, but it was heavily modified to ingredient in hand as well as whatever foodish instinct I have.

I had revisited Project Scribe again i.e. clearing more junks of paper in my house and doing up so long overdue-ed filing. So not my forte. I just hate filing coz I don't believe that I'm a very neat person to begin with.

I have also been allocating more times to my reading i.e. in sheer determination to achieve my #52booksin52weeks target. I have another 18 books left, so if I continue the pace, I may be able to complete by end Nov. BIG IF. I have at least another 4 purchased books lined up begging to be read, plus the endless supply of library books. Also, am considering to drop by the Subang Jaya Book Exchange that is held weekly in a community hall nearby. Will see how that goes.

My camera has also taken the backseat, and the only recent snaps I took is the day trip to Sekinchan over the long Raya weekends.

Pinterest have became my biggest vice, as I addictively pin down ideas that I wish-to-do-in-the-near-future. But we all know that the near future isn't that near, or even unlikely to happen. But I am proud to say that out of the stuff that I have pinned, I have tried at least 5% of it. Hey, it's a start! Will find time (if ever) to post the DIY's I did - which are DIY tree branch decor for my living room, photo frame collage for my living room, 3D papercraft art for my study/reading room.

As for Project Wallaby, it will be on-hold again, given that the opportunity we had is unlikely to crystalise.

Again, there's much achieved for this year, for it has indeed been eventful. There's plenty more to do til year end, but whatever it is, I am thankful for the blessing that God has showered me (and us) throughout the year! :)

.: Conquest To Conquer Malls :.

The much awaited long break in-between jobs was spend mostly on shopping. As an additional bonus, it was exactly on the same time when Malaysia was having it's annual Mega Sales *excited*. So my mom & I decided to conquer the main malls of the Klang Valley. We went on a marathon to One Utama, e@Curve, Ikea, KLCC, Tropicana City Mall, Midvalley, Sunway Pyramid & Pavilion.

I think I managed to rake up the credit card bill to close to a thousand ringgit just on shopping alone. It's not that I bought much, but it's a dress here, a pair of shoes there, stuff like those. I didn't ever spend that much at any one point of time while I was working, so I suppose this is my period of indulgence - all the "unspent years". The Husband winced in pain when I highlighted to him that since I am not earning any income at the moment, my credit card bills for this month will have to be settled by him. Come to think of it, I should make him settle my credit card bill altogther, regardless whether I am working or not!

Anyways, nearing to my last few days before I start my new job, I told my husband that I really am compelled to request for a delayed start in my new work. Reason being is that I felt that a stretch of slightless less than a month wasn't quite enough just yet for me. The Husband always kept silent when this matter was brought up time and again. I suppose he fear that he had to pick my credit card tab for another month? Hmmm…

So I got a couple of new working dress (mostly from Nichii & Zara), some long pants, a skirt or two (from Lee Ann Maxima), and a pair of dinner heels (which was going at RM30 at Charles & Keith, an absolute steal!). Oh, and I got myself a couple of accessories too (don't know why I just had this sudden obsession with accessories of late!).

I am still looking for a pair of pumps (in red perhaps?) because the one that I wear to work is in boring black. Also, I am still looking for a nice dinner dress - as there will be a couple of wedding dinners to attend lined up for this year.

Oh, joy of shopping! But bleh, the un-joy of credit card bills the following month!