.: Draw :.

For the strangest reasons I have the tiniest veins (so says my a anesthesiologist when he was looking for my veins - not thru the naked eyes mind you, but from this thingymajiggy machine).

It usually takes a couple of jabs before my veins at my arms could be located, causing multiple bruises as an indication of attempts.

Today, it was on the first attempt - my lucky day, says the lab assistant.

However, the bruise is as big as a one dollar coin (or dua puluh sen coin).

This is how drawing blood from me is like.

.: Organ Donor :.

Checking off my list a tick at a time.

This has always been one of the things I have been thinking and talking about, but never quite got to actually doing anything about it. Truth to be told, if I continue to procrastinate, I would never get it done.

So, to (finally) walk the talk, as of today, I am a registered transplant organ donor in Australia. 

I like this interesting ploy to create awareness of organ donation. And I hope that many will take this step to help out, as there are heaps of people in the waiting list for organ transplant. 

While I am still alive, I thrive to make a difference in as many lives as I could but I sincerely feel that being an organ donor is seriously a way I can make a big difference in one or more lives, even in death. 

On a lighter note, not sure if any of my organs are of use. Afterall, my lungs capacity is crappy (I could never run as my lungs are not trained for running, haha), my liver has been subjected to 3 months of legal narcotics (so there's prolly some serious damage there), there is something not quite right with my heart (not quite sure what is wrong just yet, tho a GP had recently looked at my ECG and said I have a quote "perfect heart" .. awwww...). But my brain should be alright, almost new, barely used! :)

.: Heart :.

"My heart hurts." she said.

"Literally or figuratively?" he asked.

"Both." she replied. 

"I wish it could be fixed, eitherway." he responded.

"So do I. So do I." she cried.

.: Medical :.

It’s been tough. I know that I've said this a lot, but it has been tough. I try to keep myself occupied and not think about the worst-case scenarios, but I can’t help but wonder. But on the other hand, I don’t want to face the reality of it. It could be nothing. But it could be something. And it’s the something that I am most afraid of.

Visits to doctors have never been the same for me since a year and the half back. I don’t know why it keeps coming back to this – another visit to the doctor.

.: He Maketh No Mistake :.

My Father’s way may twist and turn,

My heart may throb and ache,

But in my soul I’m glad to know,

He maketh no mistake,

My cherished plans may go astray,

My hopes may fade away,

But still I’ll trust my Lord to lead,

For He doth know the way,

Though the night be dark and it may seem,

That day will never break,

I’ll pin my faith, my all in Him,

He maketh no mistake,

There’s so much now I cannot see,

My eyesight’s far too dim,

But come what may, I’ll simply trust,

And leave it all to Him,

For by and by the mist will lift,

And plain it all He’ll make,

Through all the way, though dark to me,

He made not one mistake.

- A M Overton -

-------------------------------------------------------

Where do I even start? So much has happened within a short span of time, that I barely remember to sequence of events, even tho it has only been like less than a year.

It has really been challenging times, starting from the move here to Sydney and now, recovering from spinal surgery. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting, and series of events after events befalling on me has really pushed me to the brink of my limit. But thank goodness for His mercy and His grace that saw me through this whole episode. 

It's still a journey, I am not exactly back to life as normal, but it will get there eventually. In His time and in His way, far beyond what I can understand or comprehend. I have to surrender and trust Him and His will for me completely - and have faith that it will all work out. Afterall, he maketh no mistakes. 

.: The Bug Caught Me Again :.

Just when I thought my health have been improving, I caught a cold bug and was knocked out since Tuesday with a recurring fever. Just when I though things are getting better.... Sigh. Perhaps some things will never change, will they?

.: Battle To Lose :.

I came across a Lipstiq.com article the other day, that tug a string across my little heart. The topic written by the author is something close to home; being fat. However, unlike the author who claims to be fat but perfectly happier, my story is of a different light.

I was and have been on a chubby side for as long as I remember. When I was younger, back in primary school; I was constantly being teased by my schoolmates of my weight.

“When you walk, you wobble like a penguin!” exclaimed one girl.

“You’re so fat; you’d surely be last in a race” laughed a boy in my class.

Back then, I didn’t really care. Yeah, so I was fat, but you talk funny, I replied back to the girl. “I may be last, but you run like a girl!” I tauntingly replied the boy, sticking my tongue out.

I truly didn’t care, the words that they say didn’t hurt me one bit. Not even when my mom, who gives the disapproving glance as I reach for the third, fourth, maybe even fifth slice of pizza. Hey, I was a growing kid, I remembered saying. Its baby fat, she will lose it when she grows up, a few relatives or friends would console my mom whenever she complained of my weight.

In between stuffing cookies into my mouth, I would nod in agreement. I did think that I would turn, one day from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan.

Life was beautiful or - la vita le belle as they call it - for me. That was until I hit puberty back in secondary school; and before I know it, everything has changed for me.

I became more self-conscious of my own body image, and while many of my friends are dealing with their own insecurities of body weight; none has as huge of a problem (pun intended) as I did. While they are constantly complaining and saying out loud that they are fat and need to lose weight; when they barely have an inch of blubber on them; I remain quiet as I look disappointingly at myself.

The slight saving grace was then when puberty hit, my height accelerated, so that was when I was at my slimmest. But being still pudgy and all; it really didn’t matter as I hated my body and myself more than I ever did when I was at my roundest.

That period of my life has been the darkest ever. On one hand, I put on a brave, happy face when I am around people; but when I am alone, in the comfort of my own room, I turn into my own biggest critic. I have this constant, nagging feeling that I am not good enough or worthy enough and no matter how hard I tried, I am still not happy with whatever I have achieved. From weight-issues it developed into self-worthy issues. It got so bad that I had such horrible, dark thoughts of my ownself. I said and did things to myself that was harmful, not only physically, but physiology as well.

It really didn’t help that my very own mom, whom I thought was supposed to have loved me for who I am, went against me and with my alter-ego dark self. I had no one to turn to and often had to deal it on my own. I am sure that she meant well and only wanted to encourage me to lose weight, but I took it very negatively and hated myself more than ever.

Of course I have tried, but without much permanent success to lose weight. The exercises and the diets showed short term effects, but the weight crept back when I revert to my old ways.

I have since then, and even until today, been carrying the physiological scars of being overweight. Although it’s a vast improvement of where I have come from, there’s still a long journey ahead for self-love. I don’t longer hate myself or am disgusted with my body anymore, but I have yet to learn to love myself and my image.

As much as I envy the thin and healthy; I equally envy those who are not up to society’s standard of ideal bodyweight, but they are comfortable with their own skin. They ooze confidences and don’t shy away from wearing great outfits, while I tend to shy away from clothes that reveals my flabby arms or bodycons that reveals my curves-of-the-wrong-places.

You might say that I am blessed to have married a man who loves me for who I am, inside and out.

You may also say that I am blessed to be surrounded by so much love and care from friends and family alike, whom, in spite of not knowing my inner struggles, becomes my pillar of support and strength.

One might even say that I am blessed to have a great job and a cozy place I’d call home; and that I should focus on all the things that I have achieved rather than dwell in my shortcomings.

I honestly wish I could, even to this moment, when I reflect back, I really, really wish I could. I do not strive to achieve perfection, but I just want to be strive to be a better version of me now (version 2.0, if I must say so); be it relationship-wise, career-wise even physical-wise.

Whatever it is, I hope that I will reach a stage where I can honestly look at myself and love what I see. But until that day come, I will continue this little struggle to shut the little negative voice in my head.

.: The General Malaysian Lacks General Knowledge :.

If you are one of those who listen’s to Mix.FM “Battle of the Sexes” while jamming (not the Bob Marley sort) in the car on the way to work, you would cringe at the lack-of general knowledge of the Malaysian population in general, regardless of sex.

I must admit that I myself too, lack much in this aspect, hence, I will be making it a point to learn something new every week – one new word & one new fact. And because I am taking a year hiatus from any serious reading (will relook into doing #12booksin12months, but we will see how that goes), this should be a good alternative to keep my mind jogging.

Speaking of which, #run365 is doing well, with me clocking in approximately a marathon’s distance length in the past month and a half. I have yet to start C25k, but will do so in due time. The runs are getting much easier, and tho my speed has slightly improved since day one, it's nowhere near a seasoned runner speed. Having said that, I am proud to say that I am still in track of my #run365 goal. I have also notice a considerable improvement of my health, evidenced by the fact that I do not fall sick as easy or as severely as I did in the past. Yes, there was the occasional sniffle here and there, but did not develop into something too serious. Now, if only I can start losing weight too! :)

.: New Year's Resolution :.

Ok, so it’s the New Year, which usually also marks the time where new resolutions are made. I one am not a big fan of new year resolutions, because, for me, it’s usually a goal made at the spur of the moment, and I would be so gung-ho over it for the next couple of days (or weeks, if the hype last that long – read here on my (lack-of) attention span ) and then, it just dies – like my pet Wamu that I abandoned in Pet Society (read here for more on Wamu ).

However, last year, I have, subconsciously, set a goal for myself and with that; it has become last year’s new year’s resolution. My goal was to read at least 50+ books in a year. And then, Bridget introduced me to this #52booksin52week , and with that, 52 books became my target. I am proud to say that I have achieved Year 2012 resolution, as I completed the last book right in the nick of time, on New Year’s eve. I must also add, that this is on top and above my sudden addiction to watching TV series as well (read here on the number of series I have watched for the year! )

This year, after giving it much thought, I decided to focus on my health. If you have already known, I am really prone of getting sick, and I believe that this is partially caused by my unhealthy lifestyle. So, I decided to embrace #run365, which, personally for me, is to walk/jog/run for a minimum of 365km in Year 2013. I know the distance is easy-peasy for some, heck, it’s like running 8 marathons, which I know many of my friends do, but for a couch potato like myself, I hope that this goal is a motivation and an achievable target for me to work towards to. I am planning to use a combination of methods and advise of this programme called C25k , which stands for (Couch To 5km), which is a designed for a couch potato like myself to running at least 5km without collapsing! A site recommended by my besties on the basics of running!

I know as an full-grown adult, I should not rely on others to push me to achieve this goal, as I personally feel that all these should be self-motivated (*winks at Ben*), but a little encouragement would be nice! :)

So here’s to #run365 ! Cheers! :)

.: Run :.

#run365