Monday, March 11, 2013

.: Battle To Lose :.

I came across a article the other day, that tug a string across my little heart. The topic written by the author is something close to home; being fat. However, unlike the author who claims to be fat but perfectly happier, my story is of a different light.

I was and have been on a chubby side for as long as I remember. When I was younger, back in primary school; I was constantly being teased by my schoolmates of my weight.

“When you walk, you wobble like a penguin!” exclaimed one girl.

“You’re so fat; you’d surely be last in a race” laughed a boy in my class.

Back then, I didn’t really care. Yeah, so I was fat, but you talk funny, I replied back to the girl. “I may be last, but you run like a girl!” I tauntingly replied the boy, sticking my tongue out.

I truly didn’t care, the words that they say didn’t hurt me one bit. Not even when my mom, who gives the disapproving glance as I reach for the third, fourth, maybe even fifth slice of pizza. Hey, I was a growing kid, I remembered saying. Its baby fat, she will lose it when she grows up, a few relatives or friends would console my mom whenever she complained of my weight.

In between stuffing cookies into my mouth, I would nod in agreement. I did think that I would turn, one day from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan.

Life was beautiful or - la vita le belle as they call it - for me. That was until I hit puberty back in secondary school; and before I know it, everything has changed for me.

I became more self-conscious of my own body image, and while many of my friends are dealing with their own insecurities of body weight; none has as huge of a problem (pun intended) as I did. While they are constantly complaining and saying out loud that they are fat and need to lose weight; when they barely have an inch of blubber on them; I remain quiet as I look disappointingly at myself.

The slight saving grace was then when puberty hit, my height accelerated, so that was when I was at my slimmest. But being still pudgy and all; it really didn’t matter as I hated my body and myself more than I ever did when I was at my roundest.

That period of my life has been the darkest ever. On one hand, I put on a brave, happy face when I am around people; but when I am alone, in the comfort of my own room, I turn into my own biggest critic. I have this constant, nagging feeling that I am not good enough or worthy enough and no matter how hard I tried, I am still not happy with whatever I have achieved. From weight-issues it developed into self-worthy issues. It got so bad that I had such horrible, dark thoughts of my ownself. I said and did things to myself that was harmful, not only physically, but physiology as well.

It really didn’t help that my very own mom, whom I thought was supposed to have loved me for who I am, went against me and with my alter-ego dark self. I had no one to turn to and often had to deal it on my own. I am sure that she meant well and only wanted to encourage me to lose weight, but I took it very negatively and hated myself more than ever.

Of course I have tried, but without much permanent success to lose weight. The exercises and the diets showed short term effects, but the weight crept back when I revert to my old ways.

I have since then, and even until today, been carrying the physiological scars of being overweight. Although it’s a vast improvement of where I have come from, there’s still a long journey ahead for self-love. I don’t longer hate myself or am disgusted with my body anymore, but I have yet to learn to love myself and my image.

As much as I envy the thin and healthy; I equally envy those who are not up to society’s standard of ideal bodyweight, but they are comfortable with their own skin. They ooze confidences and don’t shy away from wearing great outfits, while I tend to shy away from clothes that reveals my flabby arms or bodycons that reveals my curves-of-the-wrong-places.

You might say that I am blessed to have married a man who loves me for who I am, inside and out.

You may also say that I am blessed to be surrounded by so much love and care from friends and family alike, whom, in spite of not knowing my inner struggles, becomes my pillar of support and strength.

One might even say that I am blessed to have a great job and a cozy place I’d call home; and that I should focus on all the things that I have achieved rather than dwell in my shortcomings.

I honestly wish I could, even to this moment, when I reflect back, I really, really wish I could. I do not strive to achieve perfection, but I just want to be strive to be a better version of me now (version 2.0, if I must say so); be it relationship-wise, career-wise even physical-wise.

Whatever it is, I hope that I will reach a stage where I can honestly look at myself and love what I see. But until that day come, I will continue this little struggle to shut the little negative voice in my head.

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