.: Defeated :.

I don’t remember the usually bitter red pill tasting as sweet as it did today. Promised myself that I shall not revert to my old ways, but somewhat the temptation is too strong. The offer for an easy way out to slowly numb myself and temporary halt the over capacitated neurons is far too good to resist. They often say that the truth hurts, but what hurts even more is unravelling the truth behind those lies. Am not sure if I am living in two parallel worlds, to a point where I fail to objectively distinguish between reality and imagination. Obviously one have to be truth, and the other just a lie, a vision, a dream, a fantasy. Eventually, it is my entire fault that I allow myself to fool myself into being delusional. Where buried deep down inside, flimsily locked away somewhere in my conscience, I know that it is not.

What is real? What is The Truth? Am I really a conscious decision? Or merely a second choice? Is it really forever? Or just a temporary solution?

I’ve battled darkness like this before. It was a long and exhausting fight but somewhat I manage to claim victory. But I know that this is only a temporary victory as one day I will be back into the battlefield and facing my mortal enemy once again . Today was that day. I fought hard in today’s battle but only to be crushed, trampled and defeated as the spiral of darkness took over.

Tomorrow is another battle altogether. But tonight, I have no choice but to drift away from the light and let darkness and void blanket me into a deep slumber.