.: Anticipation - A Roller Coaster Ride :.

The anticipation of my results is totally killing me. It's due to be out at 5pm UK time, so it's approximately 12am Malaysian time.

Updated:

When the clock struck 12 (well, not that dramatic, but still...) I clicked refresh on the website pre-logged into, I click into the Credit List S-Z. Scrolled down to check for my name under S, but I didn't see it. My name was not there. I failed.

I was disappointed. Very, even though I mentally prepared myself for that.

I called JC, who consoled me a while. My parents said "It's OK, you can try again next time".

I was really devestated. I go on to check the name of my other batchmates, whom most of them passed. I felt even more bad.

As I click to the Credit List L-R and started scrolling, I saw a name listed as Lyn S S.
And that name was from Petaling Jaya. And the candidate number matched my candidated number. I held my breath a while, before I announced to my parents that I passed. That was not before I accidentally shout out a curse word (not something that I'm very proud of - my brother was joking to me this morning about how he should have videotaped my reaction at that time and put it up on YouTube)!

I'm so thankful that by God's grace I passed this paper. It was a borderline pass, but a pass nonetheless.

Classes for the next paper starts Thursday next week. Here we go again, another roller coaster ride for me.

.: The Hardest Thing :.

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you

.: Kathlynn At Work :.

I can't figure this out. Arg!

.: Promise :.

MAN TO PAY RM 70,000 FOR BREACH OF PROMISE

By CHRISTINA KOH

IPOH: A man was ordered by the High Court here to pay at least RM70,000 for breaking a promise to marry a woman.

Justice Mohd Azman Husin ruled that legal clerk S. Nagamah, 38, had proven a claim against legal office administrator R. Punnosamy, 41.

The decision was made in chambers yesterday.

Justice Mohd Azam said he found Nagamah’s testimony to be more convincing than Punnosamy’s and ordered him to pay RM50,000 for breaching his promise to marry her.

He also ordered Punnosamy to pay RM20,000 for Nagamah’s mental anguish and loss of reputation, name and honour, as well as costs.

Another RM2,000 was awarded to Nagamah as compensation for assault when Punnosamy slapped her in 2002 after she had supposedly threatened his fiancée at a tuition centre in Teluk Intan.

Outside the courtroom, Nagamah’s counsel S. Muthuveeran told reporters that Nagamah was still single and being stigmatised because of what had happened.

“She was really in love with him. That’s why she felt cheated,” he said.

Last year, Nagamah had testified that she had sex with Punnosamy 31 times on the belief that they were in love and would marry.

She denied having any ill intention when she recorded the date and place of each sexual encounter, which occurred in various places in Sitiawan, Teluk Intan and Ipoh from 1998 to 2001.

Nagamah also disagreed that she kept the records of their sexual encounters to prevent him from running away from her. She had testified that she only had intimate relations with Punnosamy because she loved him.

Source : www.thestar.com.my

Guys, think twice before making any empty promises okies? It might just cost you a fortune.

Girls, another way of getting rich now isn't it? *wink*

.: What More Could I Ask? :.

I had so much fun this weekend!

It all started with our ICAEW Student gathering on Friday night at Ong's house in USJ. Lotsa food, lotsa singing (Kerwin's really good with the guitar), lotsa talking (or should I say crapping ) , and....... lotsa booze.
Pictures (once filtered by me) will be posted here.

On Sat morning, I went to church earlier to study for my EE Test, which starts in the afternoon. Time passes by sooooo fast, I can hardly believe that we have spend 13 weeks together. I'm so glad that God gave me all that I need to complete this programme. But as Rev Elisha, in a recent gathering for (Celebration of Hope Malaysia) held for pastors and elders of churches around Malaysia (I was representing Aunty Nancy who could not make as she was attending the EE Clinic) said, evangalism is not a programme, it's not a project.... It is a PASSION. Hope I could live to that statement!

Sat evening was spent with my ex-secondary school mates. We met at Centerpoint McD's. It was kinda sad that alot could not make it for this time round gathering. But I'm really glad that I managed to catch up with those few that could - Chee Kong , Wei Chan(Nick) , Yen Nee, Yin Ching (Rach) , Seat Jian , Jesamine , Sue May.

.: Sue May + Me + Jes + Yen Nee + Rach + Nick + Chee Kong + Seat Jian :.

We talked about those good ol secondary school days. (makes me feel so old actually *sigh*) , talked on what we are doing now, talked about what we plan to do for the future. Not much have changed drastically since the last we met. Except for those few who has the memory of Dory (in Finding Nemo). Well Wei Chan, I'm glad you NOW know who Ms Esther is. *wink*

Sunday morning was my first day solo as a Sunday School teacher. Previously, I was mostly assisting the other Sunday School teachers while they conduct the class. I was really nervous, but I'm so thankful that my Ah Ee Ling (Kristine) and my cousin Tammie helped out. I read them a short story on the first book of the Bible, on how God created the heavens and the Earth, the mountain and the seas, the plants, the animals, etc. I also encouraged them to participate by asking them to name vegetables, fruits, birds and land animals.

The answer they give was sooooo cute.

When I was asking about vegetables, I encouraged Caleb to answer by asking him "What vegetables is you're favourite?"
His reply was "Yuck! I don't like vegatables" *wink*wink*

But all of them were very very proactive in giving answers. They are really good students, I like them very much :)

After story telling time, we proceed to our artwork. Making teddy bears. They were all very enthusiastic, even the boys (to my surprise) and they decorated their Teddys very well and creatively. I'm so so so so proud of them :)

Jacob asked a question which Aunty Jaime answered till it made him shy and embaressed. He asked "What am I going to do with this Teddy once I finish making it?"

Aunty Jaime answered "Well, on Valentine Day, you go to a girl you like, and ask her to be your girlfriend, and give her this teddy. She will love it, coz girls love teddys"

Jacob shyly walked away :)

So cute teasing him...

Will upload some of the pics I took of them too.

Dinner, I had seafood at Teluk Gong (Port Klang) with JC and his extended family. Met his Uncle and cousin, Sam for the first time.

Well, I really did enjoy my weekend. Spending time with the people you love, doing the things you love.... ahhh... what more could I ask?

.: Sweet Sixteen :.

To the boy that is legally 16,

with a mentality of a 6 year old

HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY!

(it's time you act you age)

*Hugz & Kisses*

xoxoxo

.: The Heart :.

The heart is a fragile thing

Easily hurt

Easily broken

And yet, it's tough

Coz it beats for you

But the heart is also stubborn

It never let go the one they love

+ Thanks Fei, for always being there for me. I love you so much (as a friend of course *wink*) +

.: Imperfections :.

Something that I've posted in my old blog, which I thought I want to share it here.

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. ~ Anonymous ~

It’s not easy to love someone in spite of their imperfections.
Sometimes, we get impatient. We get frustrated. We lose our temper.
Sometimes we say nasty things we wished we never said.
And there are times we take each other for granted.

We assume that it’s ok to treat the person we love nastily, they will forgive us right? Coz they love us?

Sometimes, we tend to treat strangers way better than we treat our loved ones.

But sometimes, when we are awake in the middle of the night, staring blankly at the ceiling above us, we start to think.
And start to appreciate the person whom we love.

And we close our eyes, and thank God for bringing such wonderful people into our lives.

.: Lasagna :.

My homemade beef and mushroom lasagna *mmm*

Ingredients

*lasagna sheets

*mushroom

*beef

*capsicum (bell pepper)

*garlic

*tomato paste

*salt & pepper

*cheese

*time (hehe *wink*)

.: Middle Age :.

I went to our 2nd Church Camp Committee Meeting yesterday.

Joe (Nancy's son) who is 3 years my junior labelled me in the "middle aged group" catergory.
When he found out my age, he was like "Huh!?"
Darn, I am now officially middle age.... *sobs*sobs*

Anyways, I had a really really really bad day yesterday, but I'm glad that I went to yesterday's meeting. It's really therapeutic. I love being around nice fun people :)

.: Hugs :.

The Hugging Judge
By Jack Canfield and Mark V. Hansen
Chicken Soup for The Soul

Lee Shapiro is a retired judge. He is also one of the most genuinely loving people we know. At one point in his career, Lee realized that love is the greatest power there is. As a result, Lee became a hugger. He began offering everybody a hug. His colleagues dubbed him “the hugging judge” (as opposed to the hanging judge, we suppose). The bumper sticker on his car reads, “Don’t bug me! Hug me!”

About six years ago Lee created what he calls his Hugger Kit. On the outside it reads “A heart for a hug.” The inside contains thirty little red embroidered hearts with stickums on the back. Lee will take out his Hugger Kit, go around to people and offer them a little red heart in exchange for a hug.

Dr. Arthur Caliandro shows how to make your life happier

Lee has become so well known for this that he is often invited to keynote conferences and conventions, where he shares his message of unconditional love. At a conference in San Francisco, the local news media challenged him by saying, “It is easy to give out hugs here in the conference to people who self-selected to be here. But this would never work in the real world.”

They challenged Lee to give away some hugs on the streets of San Francisco. Followed by a television crew from the local news station, Lee went out onto the street. First he approached a woman walking by. “Hi, I’m Lee Shapiro, the hugging judge. I’m giving out these hearts in exchange for a hug.” “Sure,” she replied. “Too easy,” challenged the local commentator. Lee looked around. He saw a meter maid who was being given a hard time by the owner of a BMW to whom she was giving a ticket. He marched up to her, camera crew in tow, and said, “You look like you could use a hug. I’m the hugging judge and I’m offering you one.” She accepted.

The television commentator threw down one final challenge. “Look, here comes a bus. San Francisco bus drivers are the toughest, crabbiest, meanest people in the whole town. Let’s see you get him to hug you.” Lee took the challenge.

As the bus pulled up to the curb, Lee said, “Hi, I’m Lee Shapiro, the hugging judge. This has got to be one of the most stressful jobs in the whole world. I’m offering hugs to people today to lighten the load a little. Would you like one?” The six-foot-two, 230-pound bus driver got out of his seat, stepped down and said, “Why not?”

Lee hugged him, gave him a heart and waved good-bye as the bus pulled out. The TV crew was speechless. Finally, the commentator said, “I have to admit, I’m very impressed.”

One day Lee’s friend Nancy Johnston showed up on his doorstep. Nancy is a professional clown and she was wearing her clown costume, makeup and all. “Lee, grab a bunch of your Hugger Kits and let’s go out to the home for the disabled.”

When they arrived at the home, they started giving out balloon hats, hearts and hugs to the patients. Lee was uncomfortable. He had never before hugged people who were terminally ill, severely retarded or quadriplegic. It was definitely a stretch. But after a while it became easier, with Nancy and Lee acquiring an entourage of doctors, nurses and orderlies who followed them from ward to ward.

After several hours they entered the last ward. These were 34 of the worst cases Lee had seen in his life. The feeling was so grim it took his heart away. But out of their commitment to share their love and to make a difference, Nancy and Lee started working their way around the room followed by the entourage of medical staff, all of whom by now had hearts on their collars and balloon hats on their heads.

Finally, Lee came to the last person, Leonard. Leonard was wearing a big white bib which he was drooling on. Lee looked at Leonard dribbling onto his bib and said, “Let’s go, Nancy. There’s no way we can get through to this person.” Nancy replied, “C’mon, Lee. He’s a fellow human being, too, isn’t he?” Then she placed a funny balloon hat on his head. Lee took one of his little red hearts and placed it on Leonard’s bib. He took a deep breath, leaned down and gave Leonard a hug.

All of a sudden Leonard began to squeal, “Eeeeehh! Eeeeeehh!” Some of the other patients in the room began to clang things together. Lee turned to the staff for some sort of explanation only to find that every doctor, nurse and orderly was crying. Lee asked the head nurse, “What’s going on?”

Lee will never forget what she said: “This is the first time in 23 years we’ve ever seen Leonard smile.”

How simple it is to make a difference in the lives of others.

Why not try giving a hug to someone today, and perhaps make a different in their lives......

.: True Love :.

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 a.m., when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation.I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails/blog posts, sometimes there are some that come along that have an important message, and this is one of those kind. Just had to share it with you all.

Oh, by the way, peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

.: My Heart :.

My heart continues to bleed
And my eyes continue to weep
I close my eyes and pray
That God will show me the way
That in time my heart will heal
And if it is part of God's will
To put aside all the pain
And to learn to love again

-Kathlynn-

.: A Walk To Remember : Nicholas Sparks :.

There was a time when the world was sweeter... when the women in Beaufort, North Carolina, wore dresses, and the men donned hats...when something happened to a seventeen-year-old boy that would change his life forever.

Every April, when the wind blows in from the sea and mingles with the scent of lilacs, Landon Carter remembers his last year at Beaufort High. It was 1958, and Landon had already dated a girl or two. He even swore that he had once been in love.
Certainly the last person in town he thought he'd fall for was Jamie Sullivan, the daughter of the town's Baptist minister.

A quiet girl who always carried a Bible with her schoolbooks, Jamie seemed content living in a world apart from the other teens. She took care of her widowed father, rescued hurt animals, and helped out at the local orphanage. No boy had ever asked her out.

Landon would never have dreamed of it. Then a twist of fate made Jamie
his partner for the homecoming dance, and Landon Carter's life would never be
the same. Being with Jamie would show him the depths of the human heart and lead
him to a decision so stunning it would send him irrevocably on the road to
manhood....

No other author today touches our emotions more deeply than Nicholas Sparks. Illuminating both the strength and the gossamer fragility ofour deepest emotions, his two New York Times bestsellers, The Notebook and Message in a Bottle, have established him as the leading author of today's most cherished love stories. Now, in A Walk To Remember, he tells a truly unforgettable story, one that glimmers with all of his magic, holding us spellbound--and reminding us that in life each of us may find one great love,the kind that changes everything...

Background information on A Walk to Remember

by Nicholas Sparks
(from a speech given in Berlin, Germany for Heyne Verlag, 2000)

". . . I'm often asked which novel is my favorite, but that's a question I can't really answer. It's like trying to choose between my children and all I can say is that I like them all for different reasons.

I can say however, that A Walk to Remember was my favorite novel to write. I enjoyed the process of capturing the voice of a smart-alecky 17-year-old kid, and found him to be fun to write. Likewise with Jamie Sullivan. There was something intrinsically sweet about her character that gradually seemed to take over the book. It was also the only novel that made me cry while writing.

A Walk to Remember was inspired by my sister.

In many ways, Jamie Sullivan was my younger sister. Like Jamie, my sister was sweet. Like Jamie, my sister had tremendously strong faith. Like Jamie, my sister loved church. Like Jamie, my sister wasn't popular at school. Like Jamie, my sister was always cheerful. Like Jamie, all my sister wanted in life was to get married.

And like Jamie, my sister got cancer.

Like Jamie, my sister met someone. And like Landon, there was a long period of time when this fellow couldn't imagine himself marrying a girl like her. And yet, in the end, he couldn't help himself. Even when he knew she was sick, even when he knew that she might not make it, this man asked my sister to marry him.

It was just about the sweetest thing that's ever been done for anyone, and I suppose I wrote this novel not only so that you could get to know my sister, but so that you would know what a wonderful thing it was that her husband once did for her.

Sadly, my sister died in June (2000). She was thirty-three years old. . ."

I read this story in Borders bookstore yesterday, after having read the reviews of this book. I'm now officially a big fan of Nicholas Sparks.

Having watched the movie, staring the beautiful and sweet Mandy Moore as Jamie Sullivan, I tend to visualise each scenes as I read through. But, even having know what the whole story is about, I still enjoy myself reading page after page of the book. I really do love how Nicholas Sparks describes the each of his character, making them each unique, yet believable.

I still can't help but shed a few tears during those moments that just moves your heart (yes, I was sniffling right in the middle of a crowded bookshop).

And to the age old debate on what the last sentence in this novel means - with reference to the miracle. Nicholas Sparks answer to that was :

Either the miracle was that Jamie lived (if that was the ending you imagined) or that Landon had experienced the miracle of first love and it had redeemed him (if you imagined that Jamie died.)

Again, another love story that is a MUST READ! Also do read At First Sight and The Wedding!

.: Honesty :.

Tammie posted this in her Friendster; and I need to relieve stress...so here it goes......


1. Honestly what color is your shirt?
Blue...

2. Honestly, whats on your mind?
JC

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
This survey thingy which I plucked from Tammie's friendster site...

4. Honestly, have you ever been in love ?
Yes...

5. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
Actually, I don't think so...

6. Honestly, do you watch disneychannel?
Yes, if I have the time...

7.Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
My brother, last night...

8.Honestly, are you jealous of somebody right now?
Yes. I'm jealous of the people who's having a simple, happy life.
Why can't I? *jealousness*

9. Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time?
Who makes me mad most of the time should be the Question *wink*

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
Only when I'm stressed or nervous (which is most of the time). Bad habit I know. Can't help it.

11. Honestly, do you use anyone?
I don't "use" them. It's call friends okay!

12. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment?
Who doesn't?

13. Honestly, do you have a friend you don't like?
I love all my friends... that's why they are called friends.

14. Honestly, do you love someone very much?
Of course... Love is the essences of life itself...

15. Honestly, does anyone like you?
I sure do hope so... *wink*wink*

DIFFERENT EMOTIONS SURVEY

*Anger Section*

1. What do you do when you're mad?
Scream, shout, cry ... and at the end of it all pray (Just like what Tammie does)

2. What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
Though of killing that person

3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
Yes, I have the tenancy to be very nasty when I'm mad

4. Do you swear when you're mad?
When I'm very mad, I start swearing. That's when you know that I'm REALLY MAD!

5. When was the last time you really cried?
Last night

6. Ever cried yourself to sleep?
Of course.

7. What usually makes you cry?
I'm a very emotional person. I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm touched. I cry when I'm upset. I cry when I think of Grandpa. I cry when I miss my cousins. I cry watching sappy ol movies. I cry reading heartwarming novels. I cry when I see people around me cry, coz I feel what they feel.
Gosh, I'm such a crybaby aren't I?

8. Are you normally a happy person?
I choose to believe I'm a happy person by nature....

9. Does being with your friends makes you happy?
Yes... When I'm in company of great friends, I tend to be a lil more hyper and perky...

10. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you get happy?
I'd most likely think that person is mad!

.: I Baked... Again :.

I was super exhausted even when I was in the LRT on the way back. My original plan was to take a cab home from KJ station, but I felt very faint and dizzy, so I got my kor to pick me up instead.

I accompanied him for dinner, bought a bunch of bananas, pisang beragan to be exact and a couple of frozen yogurt for yesterday's apple crumble.

I went home and started to bake banana pies, like those they have in McDs. I used the ready-made pastry my mom bought a year back (in which she claims that she will bake some pies but to this very day ..... nada)

I absolutely love the pastry. It's light and fluffly. Melts in your mouth. The filling, I must admit, lack sweetness, though I did put a couple spoonful of sugar.

Anyhows, I don't know what has gotten into me that I wanted to bake. Ever since the final week of exams. And since there was opportunity to do so (as my mom is in Langkawi) might as well seize the moment.

I was exhausted by the end of it all, but the funny thing is that my exhaustion has nothing to do with me being sleepy. It feels like my blood and life is draining out of me. I want to see a Dr. Only if I know how to tell him my problems. The thing is, he will most likely do a series of test and conclude that it's nothing.

Perhaps it's all in my head.

.: I Baked :.

I baked....

For the first time in my whole entire life I baked....

I'm actually kinda proud of myself *wink*wink*

Even though the food critic @ Ben has given some comments, I honestly think that it's a very fair attempt for a first time amateur...

So here is the "evidence" of what I've baked...

It's apple crumble by the way, coz I can't find bananas today, and I just rushed back home from work, and the only fruits available in my house are apples and a watermelon.

Simple common sense shows that watermelon is a no-no....so apple crumble it is...

And now, introducing my very first baked product...

*drumrolls....*

*I know, so dramatic right? But gimme some credit please. It's my FIRST TIME!*

My apple crumble in the oven

My half eaten apple crumble

I've actually did some earlier researh online for a good apple crumble recipe, and selected two which looks good (in pics) - that's how I judge a good recipe.

But I ended up doing my grandma way, the feel way.

Uh-huh.... The feel way where you use a dash of this and a pinch of that until you feel that is right...

Yup, so I don't know exactly how much flour, sugar, butter, etc I put into this crumble.

Once, and only once, I've perfected this, I will post the recipe out here okies? *wink*wink*

I'm happy.

I love baking :)

.: Nicholas Sparks : At First Sight :.

Is love at first sight truly possible?

There are a few things Jeremy Marsh was sure he'd never do: he'd never leave New York City; never give his heart away again after barely surviving one failed marriage; and most of all, never become a parent.

Now, Jeremy is living in the tiny town of Boone Creek, North Carolina, married to Lexie Darnell, the love of his life, and anticipating the birth of their daughter. But just as his life seems to be settling into a blissful pattern, an unsettling and mysterious message re-opens old wounds and sets off a chain of events that will forever change the course of this young couple's marriage.

Like the first book I read (The Wedding), this book is written in first person style, of both Jeremy Marsh and also Lexie Darnell.

The story of how they met and fell in love is written in True Believer.

In At First Sight, the plot continues on how this young couple journey as newly weds and expecting their first child together.

It's something many could related to - married, newly wed, or those in a relationship. This novel captures all the heartbreak, tension, romance and surprises of their relationship. It's also captures their struggle to adjust to one another when they have only known each other for a short while before they were married. They have so much to learn about each other. There's love, friendship, devotion, sacrifises, trust... but in it, there's also anger, jealousy, deep sadness, betrayal....

Nicholas Sparks did very well in bringing his readers to experience the emotional roller coaster ride Jeremy and Lexie are experiencing.

And,just like The Wedding, Nicholas Sparks added a very sharp twist to this romantic tale at the end.

Do read it, with a box of Kleenex in hand.

.: Evan Almighty :.

A sequeal to the Movie Bruce Almighty (back in 2003), this movie is about Evan Baxter (Steve Carrell) being summoned by the Almighty himself (Morgan Freeman), who has handed Evan the task of building a new ark, much as Noah did before.

I personally find this movie not as hilarious as Bruce Almighty. The story line is okay, not too bad, but nothing great, especially lacking in real humour.

But one part where I love the most was when Joan Baxter (Lauren Graham), Evan's wife, spoke to God (Morgon Freeman). She decided to bail out on Evan, after he frightened her with his "building a boat" plan. And she was at a Diners', her three sons (Noah had three sons too) was in the washroom, God sat next to her. As she spill out her problems to him, he just said this to her:

"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience?

Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?

If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous?

If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

On a side note, in the earlier part of the movie, Joan prayed to God that she hopes for the family to be closer.

Not a movie that I will recommend to watch once it's out in cinemas on the 23rd of August, but if you're looking for something light - this might actually suit you.

.: I Can't Hate You Anymore : Nick Lachey :.

Nick Lachey : I Can't Hate You Anymore

An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.
...I can't hate you anymore.

You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore

.: I'm Just Not Worth It :.

This is going to be an emo blog. Be warned!



I just don't understand myself sometimes. In fact, I don't understand myself most of the time.



There's alot of things in life that I hope I am. But in my painstaking effort in trying to achieve those, I come to realise that there are a thousand things more that I'm lacking. And yet, I still continue to pursue these "end of the rainbow" goal.



I can never seem to please enough the people around me. I never seem to be good enough, smart enough, nice enough, pretty enough... the list is endless.



I try to take a step at a time. Achieve one goal at the time. And yet, when I come to the point where I'm close to achieving it, I'm dampen by the fact that I can/should be a million times better than that.



My mom had play a very significant role in this. Don't get my wrong. I love my mom. And I know she loves me too (maybe she has no choice coz I'm her daughter). But I can never understand why she has to be so critical in every single thing I do.



She complains on a constant basis that I'm fat, that I'm ugly, that my room is never clean, that I'm lazy when it comes to _ *everything that you can thing of - work, study, etc*, I ALWAYS do things halfway *and the way she emphasis the word ALWAYS is as if you have NEVER complete a single thing*. She sometimes says very hurtful and nasty things about me.



She once said something very hurtful which up to to date I can forgive, but can never forget.



She told me that I'm a "difficult person to love".... in the context that whoever I end up in the future will find it a challange to love me.



Imagine, those words coming out from your own mom's mouth. Not only does it hurt. It hurts so bad.



I never thought that this she was the reason why I have such a low self esteem, until two person close to me, on separate occasion, pointed it out. I then realise how big an impact could be when someone so close to you hurl such comments.



It was then that I tell myself that I should never be a mom. I can't bear the fact that there's a chance I will raise my children that way and have such a negative impact on their self confidence. I rather not take my chances, as such a decision will directly affect a person's lifetime. To bring and nurture a soul to the world is not something that you can do on a "trial and error" basis and assume that there will be no implications. EVERY single thing you do will have an impact.



Sometimes, in the things I do, I feel a nagging voice inside my head telling me - "You think you're that great?", "You're just lucky", "You don't deserve it", etc for the things that people from the outside would perceive as an "achievement".



I'm defeated. I can never feel that I'm good enough for anything. Or that I'm worthy of anything.


Maybe it's a COLD HARD FACT that I'll just have to accept.....

.: Happy 17th Birthday :.

A dedication to my dearest

Tamie Tan Ming Ai

May you be blessed with joy, love and happiness

Today, tomorrow and always...

Happy 17th Birthday !