Friday, August 3, 2007

.: I'm Just Not Worth It :.

This is going to be an emo blog. Be warned!

I just don't understand myself sometimes. In fact, I don't understand myself most of the time.

There's alot of things in life that I hope I am. But in my painstaking effort in trying to achieve those, I come to realise that there are a thousand things more that I'm lacking. And yet, I still continue to pursue these "end of the rainbow" goal.

I can never seem to please enough the people around me. I never seem to be good enough, smart enough, nice enough, pretty enough... the list is endless.

I try to take a step at a time. Achieve one goal at the time. And yet, when I come to the point where I'm close to achieving it, I'm dampen by the fact that I can/should be a million times better than that.

My mom had play a very significant role in this. Don't get my wrong. I love my mom. And I know she loves me too (maybe she has no choice coz I'm her daughter). But I can never understand why she has to be so critical in every single thing I do.

She complains on a constant basis that I'm fat, that I'm ugly, that my room is never clean, that I'm lazy when it comes to _ *everything that you can thing of - work, study, etc*, I ALWAYS do things halfway *and the way she emphasis the word ALWAYS is as if you have NEVER complete a single thing*. She sometimes says very hurtful and nasty things about me.

She once said something very hurtful which up to to date I can forgive, but can never forget.

She told me that I'm a "difficult person to love".... in the context that whoever I end up in the future will find it a challange to love me.

Imagine, those words coming out from your own mom's mouth. Not only does it hurt. It hurts so bad.

I never thought that this she was the reason why I have such a low self esteem, until two person close to me, on separate occasion, pointed it out. I then realise how big an impact could be when someone so close to you hurl such comments.

It was then that I tell myself that I should never be a mom. I can't bear the fact that there's a chance I will raise my children that way and have such a negative impact on their self confidence. I rather not take my chances, as such a decision will directly affect a person's lifetime. To bring and nurture a soul to the world is not something that you can do on a "trial and error" basis and assume that there will be no implications. EVERY single thing you do will have an impact.

Sometimes, in the things I do, I feel a nagging voice inside my head telling me - "You think you're that great?", "You're just lucky", "You don't deserve it", etc for the things that people from the outside would perceive as an "achievement".

I'm defeated. I can never feel that I'm good enough for anything. Or that I'm worthy of anything.

Maybe it's a COLD HARD FACT that I'll just have to accept.....

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