When I first started blogging, it was a really private anonymous blog which only a handful of those really close to me knew of it’s existence. I blogged as freely as I could. Rant as much as I want to without going thru the self-imposed censorship board.
Now, I have made this blog more accessible, and a good few knows the real person behind all this rambles. So, to a certain extent, I have to have more responsible blog post. Yes, freedom of speech as so Article 19 of ICCPR allows. But I honestly believe that which such freedom, comes accountability to be more responsible in words written.
Anyways, I realised that in the past months, my posts are mostly one liner quotes, half-hearted attempts on movie reviews, or just plain unexpressive. I have been keeping a lot inside me, and tho I try to put on a brave face and a happy mask to the outside world. But somehow, inside me, it’s just a whirlwind of emotions. I can be feeling blah in the morning, get real depressed in the afternoon and then just become zombified and numb to any emotions in the evening. And the cycle repeats itself the next day, in no particular order or reason.
I sometimes feel like I am heading nowhere in life. Like I am just running about in a hamster wheel, going nowhere. The paper chase has been over for years now, and yet, I feel unaccomplished. God have been gracious in blessing me with great job and the moolahs are sufficient for a comfortable life. And my goal of hitting a certain earnings per month by the time I hit the BIG 3-0 may be coming sooner than that. But yet, I still feel lacking. Marriage life has been great, and to my surprise, the husband and wife quibbles is was less frequent and less dramatic as the realist in me anticipate prior to being married. In short, I have had almost everything going on almost close to perfection, but I still feel this emptiness in me.
Sometimes, I wonder if what others say about me true. That I am just being too hard on myself. I wonder if I expect myself to be achieving more than I am actually capable of. Yes, it’s good to have goals in life, but when goals are met, why am I not taking out the poms-poms and do a victory dance, but instead tell myself that I do not deserve it and it is all still not good enough? What am I really trying to prove? Who am I trying to please? It was easy, in the past, to say that it is my parents whom I need to prove myself. But, that was just a lame excuse to cover up the fact that I am working so damn hard to please myself. And no, I am not easily impressed.
Anyways, enough of the emo post. I need to inject something positive in my life right now. Another goal, another target. Even tho it’s just a temporary relief from the feelings I am feeling now, it’s much better than not doing anything about it and remain with my hands crossing my chest and sulking like a five year old. And hopefully this will be the last of emo post for many many months to come.
*breaths in, breaths out*
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