.: 30th :.

Happy birthday to me! I turn 30 today.


And looking back, I have achieved all I wanted to before I reach this age milestone.


But somewhat, there's still that familiar sense of malancholy emptiness inside.


Which begs the question - is that all? There's got to be more to life than this?

.: Trust In You :.

Letting go of every single dream I lay each one down at Your feet  Every moment of my wandering Never changes what You see I’ve tried to win this war I confess My hands are weary I need Your rest Mighty Warrior, King of the fight No matter what I face, You’re by my side When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You! Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings  There’s not a day ahead You have not seen So, in all things be my life and breath I want what You want Lord and nothing less You are my strength and comfort You are my steady hand You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand Your ways are always higher Your plans are always good There’s not a place where I’ll go, 
You’ve not already stood When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You! I will trust in You!

.: Why? :.

This is just too much to bear.

After being hit again and again and again, all within a short period span - how does one recover?

Why?

All I can scream and ask right now is "Why?"

.: He Maketh No Mistake :.

My Father’s way may twist and turn,

My heart may throb and ache,

But in my soul I’m glad to know,

He maketh no mistake,

My cherished plans may go astray,

My hopes may fade away,

But still I’ll trust my Lord to lead,

For He doth know the way,

Though the night be dark and it may seem,

That day will never break,

I’ll pin my faith, my all in Him,

He maketh no mistake,

There’s so much now I cannot see,

My eyesight’s far too dim,

But come what may, I’ll simply trust,

And leave it all to Him,

For by and by the mist will lift,

And plain it all He’ll make,

Through all the way, though dark to me,

He made not one mistake.

- A M Overton -

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Where do I even start? So much has happened within a short span of time, that I barely remember to sequence of events, even tho it has only been like less than a year.

It has really been challenging times, starting from the move here to Sydney and now, recovering from spinal surgery. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting, and series of events after events befalling on me has really pushed me to the brink of my limit. But thank goodness for His mercy and His grace that saw me through this whole episode. 

It's still a journey, I am not exactly back to life as normal, but it will get there eventually. In His time and in His way, far beyond what I can understand or comprehend. I have to surrender and trust Him and His will for me completely - and have faith that it will all work out. Afterall, he maketh no mistakes. 

.: It's Loneliness :.

It’s loneliness. Even though I’m surrounded by loved ones who care about me and want only the best, it’s possible they try to help only because they feel the same thing—loneliness—and why, in a gesture of solidarity, you’ll find the phrase “I am useful, even if alone” carved in stone. Though the brain says all is well, the soul is lost, confused, doesn’t know why life is being unfair to it. But we still wake up in the morning and take care of our children, our husband, our lover, our boss, our employees, our students, those dozens of people who make an ordinary day come to life. And we often have a smile on our face and a word of encouragement, because no one can explain their loneliness to others, especially when we are always in good company. But this loneliness exists and eats away at the best parts of us because we must use all our energy to appear happy, even though we will never be able to deceive ourselves. But we insist, every morning, on showing only the rose that blooms, and keep the thorny stem that hurts us and makes us bleed hidden within. Even knowing that everyone, at some point, has felt completely and utterly alone, it is humiliating to say, “I’m lonely, I need company. I need to kill this monster that everyone thinks is as imaginary as a fairy-tale dragon, but isn’t.” But it isn’t. I wait for a pure and virtuous knight, in all his glory, to come defeat it and push it into the abyss for good, but that knight never comes. Yet we cannot lose hope. We start doing things we don’t usually do, daring to go beyond what is fair and necessary. The thorns inside us will grow larger and more overwhelming, yet we cannot give up halfway. Everyone is looking to see the final outcome, as though life were a huge game of chess. We pretend it doesn’t matter whether we win or lose, the important thing is to compete. We root for our true feelings to stay opaque and hidden, but then … … instead of looking for companionship, we isolate ourselves even more in order to lick our wounds in silence. Or we go out for dinner or lunch with people who have nothing to do with our lives and spend the whole time talking about things that are of no importance. We even manage to distract ourselves for a while with drink and celebration, but the dragon lives on until the people who are close to us see that something is wrong and begin to blame themselves for not making us happy. They ask what the problem is. We say that everything is fine, but it’s not … Everything is awful. Please, leave me alone, because I have no more tears to cry or heart left to suffer. All I have is insomnia, emptiness, and apathy, and, if you just ask yourselves, you’re feeling the same thing. But they insist that this is just a rough patch or depression because they are afraid to use the real and damning word: loneliness. Meanwhile, we continue to relentlessly pursue the only thing that would make us happy: the knight in shining armor who will slay the dragon, pick the rose, and clip the thorns.

Paulo Coelho : Adultery

Currently reading Paulo Coelho's Adultery

.: Raising A Child :.

“If I had my child to raise all over again, I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later. I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I’d take more hikes and fly more kites. I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I’d do more hugging and less tugging.“ - Diane Loomans

.: ID, Please :.

Six years ago, I got asked for ID to prove my age.

Six years later, at the very same The Star (fka StarCity) casino, I was asked to provide ID for my age.

Are you even kidding me? Like seriously, I am double digit way beyond the legal age!

.: Family :.

The one thing I miss most about being in a foreign country is my family.

I have had been really really close to my family for as long as I can remember. Birthdays are only celebrated with them, not even close friends. I am also exceptionally close to my maternal cousins, and up to this time and age, we are still keeping in touch with each other and meeting up ever so often.

I "left them" and moved here, and there are times when I miss them so bad - even with modern technologies of communication. There's nothing like a meeting up for a good ol' chat over coffee. But on the other hand, I am also glad to have "gained" a new family here. The husband's uncle and aunt has been exceptionally hospitable, housing myself for the first two weeks I was here. Even until now, we drop by ever so often to their place on weekends - and aunties, being aunties - would cook up a tray of delicacies that I just love! Lo mai kai. Char keoy teow (charcoal mind you, so there's that 'wok' taste). Hong tau chou. Man chi keok. Kai fun. Laksa. Roti canai. Oh my, I think I have more Malaysian food here in Sydney than I did back in KL!

We had a great time celebrating her nephew's boy's 4th birthday (or was it 5th?). We had fun with water balloons and water guns - I tell you, the adults were more excited than the two kids!

Uncle and aunty has helped us alot in settling in. And I truly thank God for that.

.: Choices, Choices, Choices :.

It's never easy for me to make decisions - especially one that involves a long term commitment of that sorts.

In a new country, it's a different ball game altogether. To learn the rules of the games and to play it well. It takes a lil courage, and an even bigger step of faith. But I believe that we will both make the right choice at the end of it all.

Praying for wisdom and disernment.

It will be a bold move if we say yes.

.: Achievement Unlocked :.

Achievement unlocked.

 

Bring on the next one!

 

.: Three Months :.

A week and a half ago marks my third month here. I must admit, it was relatively smooth sailing for the first two and the half month, and I thought that I was adapting really well, until it just hit me.

I was not well, physically - with some gastro problems which was more than just gastritis, and because of that couldn't eat much and that aggravated my gastritis even more. I was emotionally down as well, feeling that I have lost grip of my life, and I was homesick as well, and one thing led to another - I had an emotional breakdown. Just like that. At that very particular moment, I felt so down and low, that I just bawled my eyes out.

I was very thankful that the husband was very understanding and just gave me space to figure out things myself. I was also thankful for the supportive familia back in Malaysia that was sending prayers and virtual hugs across. And also for my friends who was giving words of encouragement throughout the whole ordeal. But most of all, I was thankful for God's grace throughout - and though there were times where I felt completely alone, knowing that He was by my side helped me through all this.

I'm glad to say that I am feeling more better the past week. And in fact, just yesterday, I had this higher feeling of happiness and contentment - that lasted for a whole day. And that is a really good feeling that I have yet to feel for quite some time. And it really felt so good, I was glowing from inside out!

My life ain't perfect now. It will never be. Not yesterday, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. But I thank God for His gracious reminder that I indeed could feel this sense of happiness and peace once again.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14 : 27)

.: Breaking Rules :.

You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in!

- Mandy Hale -

.: Only Hope :.

There's nothing like rewatching the sappy ol movies that you have watched a million times.

And there's nothing like crying to the exact same scenes, even though you know all the plots and the ending and have watched it over and over again.

Sometimes, love can be painted and potrayed so beautifully - and what makes this movie, A Walk To Remember, even more beautiful is that this novel is inspired by the author's very own sister. And it beautiful, just beautiful.

If you haven't watch the movie - do.

If you haven't read the book - do.

Read or watch it first, it doesn't matter. Both movie and novel will move you to tears, so keep a Kleenex handy.



There's a song that's inside of my soul

It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again

I'm awake in the infinite cold 

But you sing to me over and over and over again

 

So I lay my head back down 

And I lift my hands 

And pray to be only Yours I

pray to be only Yours I

know now you're my only hope

 

Sing to me the song of the stars

Of your galaxy dancing and laughing

And laughing again

When it feels like my dreams are so far

Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

I give You my destiny

I'm giving You all of me

I want Your symphony

Singing in all that I am

At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

.: Love Keeps No Records Of Wrong :.

On a random day, of a random conversation

Kath : Dear... When's the last time you gave me flowers?

JC : Oh, so you are now keeping records of that as well?

Kath : Well, yeah. Coz the bible says "love keeps no records of wrongs", but it doesn't say "love keeps no record of rights" so I am just recalling when was the last time you did something right by sending me flowers.

JC: Wow, I can't win with you, can I?

.: Project Status Updated :.

The last time I updated this list was a year and the half ago, so here's to a more recent one

On-going Projects/KIV Projects

• Project Casa III
• Project Castle II

Completed Projects

• Project Greenfield
• Project Turf
• Project Wallaby
• Project Spring
• Project Masterpiece
• Project Umbrella
• Project Scribe
• Project Casa II
• Project Casa
• Project Castle II
• Project Castle
• Project Downhill

Abandoned Projects

• Project Moo Moo
• Project Narnia
• Project Island
• Project Prince